Are they trying to make me suffer?

After Daughter's great dentist appt today, we decided to go to lunch. The only thing she wanted was "broccoli" and without a lot of ideas besides Thai take-out, which we do at least once a week, I decided to go to a club. Theoretically this club is child-friendly and many of the members under 50-60 are parents of school-age children. Theoretically is such a nice word, don't you think? And how grand would it be if "theoretically" turned out to be "actually" more often than not.

Upon arrival at the restaurant, we chose a corner booth sat down and waited. And waited. This would be the theme of our lunch.

I should let you know that Daughter is fairly experienced in dining out and while she IS 2.5 years old, she is NOT (generally) obnoxious. Besides the fact that she's a relatively well-behaved child, my husband and I take great care to ensure that she learns proper dining etiquette. We don't allow her to run around in restaurants*, not only is it rude but it's dangerous. I try to remember to bring activities (Color Wonder, mini Etch-A-Sketch**, etc) but when I fail, there's always Elmo videos on YouTube on my iPhone. We talk to and interact with Daughter so she doesn't get bored (that's typically when they get into trouble). She generally knows to use her "inside voice". She doesn't throw food or crawl around on the floor and if she gets out of control and warnings don't work, we get up and leave (and she knows we will). We also tidy up the table and tip well prior to departure.

Our waitress approached and asked us if we'd like something to drink. Milk for the toddler, water for me. The restaurant is more than half empty. This is important to note because had the restaurant been full or not well-staffed, my patience level would be much higher and I would have thought twice before bringing Toddler into someplace that might not be able to give us speedy service.

She brings us our drinks and while Daughter doesn't do well with straws & lids on her paper cups (she plays with them), I appreciate the thought the waitress put into making it child-friendly.

Unfortunately, that was pretty much the end to the child-friendly service.

I ordered a fruit cup & a Nutella w/Strawberry Preserves sandwich for Toddler and Gazpacho & a Veggie Wrap for me. I'm not sure if they were running out to a farm to gather the tomatoes for my Gazpacho but it took forever for my soup to arrive. Nothing for Toddler. The fruit cup was a separate order/dish/whatever you want to call it, so I'm not sure why Toddler's fruit cup didn't accompany my soup, first-course and all that. Perhaps, they think toddlers want to sit patiently and wait while others eat?

Thankfully, Toddler likes just about everything and even if she doesn't like something, she will nearly always try it. So we shared my soup while my eyes searched for a staff member who might be able to deliver the fruit cup. Toddler soon tired of my Gazpacho and wanted HER lunch. No kidding!? I had tempted her with fruit and a sandwich made of delights she rarely gets. My heart rate quickened as I watched Toddler fidget with increased energy. This was not good.

I spotted our waitress and called her over (she didn't even glance at us until I said, "Excuse me"). "Would you mind bringing us her fruit cup so that she has something to snack on?" No problem.

Maybe the kitchen is 10 miles from the restaurant? I'm beginning to wonder now. They certainly can't be picking the fruit for the fruit cup, can they?! FINALLY, our food arrives. Not just Toddler's fruit cup but the whole order. Success!

Or is it? She puts my plate in front of me and it is clearly a veggie BURGER. Very nice but not what I ordered. I should have kept my mouth shut but I was caught off guard and out of my mouth spilled, "This isn't what I ordered." She said she'd get my veggie wrap. I politely said, "I'm not sure it's worth it; Daughter is getting pretty restless." She told me she'd be quick and scurried off. And I waited.

Daughter polished off a good portion of her fruit and one of the sandwich halves by the time my lunch arrived. By this time I wasn't hungry and I was seeking a quick escape because I knew that we were nearly at Toddler's Expiration Date. I asked for a to-go box and the bill, please.

While waiting yet again, I ate half of my wrap and tried to entertain The Toddler. The waitress made at least 2 appearances in our general vicinity before she showed up with the bill. No to-go box. And she scurries off again. (I suppose I shouldn't use the term scurry because it might imply the slightest bit of speed to some readers and I would hate for the you to think that!).

Finally she delivers the to-go box and I throw our food in, look at the bill; I really shouldn't come here again.

We made it out alive, or rather I made it out with most of my sanity intact, no thanks to the waitress (Toddler was impressively well-behaved given the amount of waiting we had to do).

Perhaps I should draw up a contract for my next dining experience.
Here's what it would entail:

- I / We, Parent(s), do promise to contain my child and not allow them to endanger staff or themselves by running through the restaurant.
- Child will not be allowed to throw food or make large messes and if Child does, Parent(s) will make a valid attempt at cleanup and / or leave the premises with Child immediately.
- Child will not be allowed to scream and disturb other patrons.
- If Child cannot be controlled or managed by Parent(s), Parent(s) will remove Child from restaurant.
- Parent(s) will consider additional mess or effort required due to Child's presence when tipping.

In return,

- Waitstaff will offer to bring Child's food, or a portion of, immediately. If that is not an option, crackers or bread will be offered.
- Waitstaff will remember that speed is appreciated and while Parent(s) & Child shouldn't be ushered out, everyone needs to keep in mind that the longer a child sits, the more prone we all are to disaster.
- If you make a mistake and bring the wrong food, be honest about how long it will take to get the order right instead of promising to be quick and then failing. Time is of the essence here. I'd much rather go without lunch than experience a melt-down because you couldn't be honest with me.
- If in doubt, ASK. This is a good policy for life and I wish more people would do it. When encountering parents with a young child, ASK if they'd like their bill now or later. Yes, I suppose some might be offended but trust me, it's much better to offend one than have a string of bill-seeking, desperate parents on the hunt for you because their child just decided to wear a salad bowl into the kitchen after performing a version of Mission Impossible on the table.
- Don't forget the to-go box if asked for one. Really, after I've spent an hour waiting for a $6 peanut butter sandwich, I'm not in the mood to wait any longer, and yes, I do plan to take it with me (Child will be hungry as soon as we get home). In fact, bring a to-go box even if Parents don't ask. Worst case, diners don't want it. When you're dealing with small children, though, chances are, they'll want to take home what's left after Child took exactly one bite of his or her $12 macaroni & cheese.




*Daughter did this once to our great embarrassment and the remainder of our meal was spent taking turns dining alone while the other parent escorted our little convict on a walk outside.
**Cool site to see how Etch-A-Sketch works.