Losing Grandpa

My father-in-law passed away recently. It's been a difficult and emotional time for a number of reasons but one of the hardest for me, is how to explain to our four-year-old that Grandpa S isn't coming back.

Grandpa S passed away late Monday evening, past Q's bedtime. I was told by a friend that we needn't say anything right away because she's not going to understand or fully grasp what has happened at this age. I assumed that and it was good to hear confirmation from someone who had dealt with this sort of thing before.

By Wednesday morning, Grandpa S's car was parked outside of our home and as we left for school, Q asked, "Grandpa's car is here but where is Grandpa? Why isn't he here?" Holding back tears, I explained that Grandpa died and we were all very sad because we loved him. She thought about it for a moment and said, "When you're dead, you don't get to eat ice cream anymore and you can't play." Soon her attention moved to the flowers hanging over a wall we pass by on the way to school and that was that.

This morning, Thursday, on the way to school, Q asked me if people come back when they die and I realized how completely unprepared I am to talk about this with my daughter. It's not difficult because she hurts, because she really hasn't grasped the magnitude of it all; it's difficult because I hurt so badly for what she's going to miss. Will she remember her grandfather but for the pictures she sees? She'll never have the opportunity to go hiking with Grandpa S, one of his favorite activities. She'll never get to know him as a 5 year old, a 10 year old or more and he won't get to see her grow. That hurts me so badly.

Q has other grandparents. My mother-in-law and parents are still here and going strong. We see them both and it's wonderful. But I grew up with four grandparents and I already miss that my child won't.